An ability I have been practicing a lot during this trip is learning to let go of things. When I moved to Guam five years ago, I left a lot of things. I left a home here in Texas, I left friends behind, and I left a lot of emotions unresolved. Rather than deal with everything and the fact that life would indeed change in my absence, I left it all on pause.
I thought when I came for a short visit three years ago, I would deal with everything, but it was a rushed visit and I was still young and too stubborn to process all of the changes that were already happening.
Now, I have been somewhat forced to deal with it all and accept the things I cannot change, let go, and move on. First it was the house, then it was dealing with the fact my grandparents house hasn’t been taken care of by the people who took it over. Then it was ‘officially’ letting go of a friendship/relationship that would have probably been toxic to my marriage if I sought to reclaim it like I had planned when we first arrived at my hometown.
Part of what led me to blogging was a journal I started over at Fictionpress. I began it around a time when I was dealing with a lot- life in general, my sexuality, and my relationships. I was in a long-distance relationship with my best friend of some years when I met the woman that would become my wife. It was a mess and to make a long story short, it was a mess and I lost my friend.
A few days ago, I thought I could get that friendship back. But then I realized I was an idiot. I haven’t had this person in my life for years. So why did I need her when I have a best friend that wakes up with me every morning, goes to sleep with me every night, deals with me when I’m not at my best, and helps me see myself when I’m at my best?
So, I let go. And I’m accepting that I handled things probably not in the best way but I was young and maybe it was for the best. I don’t want to hurt the person I started a life with to relieve guilt that I just need to get over. And for once, I feel at peace with the past because I am happy and my family means everything to me. And that’s what’s important, right?
Anyway, it’s late and I have a sick wife to go check on and snuggle with- so, good night.